Fatiquette: Part One.

My wife asked me in as gentle a way as possible "When you get skinny are going to stop being gross?"
This is the inspiration for today's entry. When I was a skinny guy I was fixated on every social indiscretion in a desperate attempt to be cool. As I became more and more weight endowed I focused less and less on those indiscretions. After all, I am a fatguy and as such it is my duty, nay, calling to be a source of humor in my sociotal circles. Because of this people expect the unexpected when fatguys like myself are around, and while my mind tries and tries (for my wife's sake) to be well refined, my body is an unstoppable force of yuck. So today I address a couple of those special areas.
Eating
Everything is a competition. Eating is not immune to this philosophy. The table has become the new battlefield of choice for men of all kind. Who can eat the most? Who can eat the fastest? Who can eat the grossest/spiciest/coldest/hottest/stinkiest/most toxic thing without puking/puking/getting a brain freeze/puking or puking? (Answer: Me.) From sliders (of the White Castle variety) to sliders (of the oyster variety), and hot dogs (World Champion eater Kobiashi's food of choice) to hot cats (we're looking at you Asia!) men all over the world engage in the gridiron of gluttony.
The rule of thumb for eating: If you are wondering 'Is this an appropriate activity for the dinner table' the answer is no. If you are wondering 'Will eating something this way gross out everyone else at the table?' the answer is yes. An all you can eat buffet is not a challenge from the restaurant owner, so don't make it a personal mission to "Get your money's worth". Ten dollars in fried zucchini is not good for anyone, and that brings me to my next point.
Digestion I
Digestion is the most polite word I could come up with for what I'm about to address. For the faint of heart or stomach you may want to end your reading of today's post here. Like the places marked Unknown on Pre-Columbian maps , Here be Dragons. You have been warned.
Many men pride themselves on having a "cast iron stomach". Treating your stomach like it is made of cast iron often leads to having a teflon-coated digestive tract.
Sure, enjoy your 3 lb burger (I know I have!). Top it off with some chili-cheese fries and wash it all down with a milk shake. Slice of pizza for dessert? Why not the whole pie?! After a sitting like that one can put money on the fact that those food items will fly through you faster than an Olympian bobsled with greased rails (Cool Runnings!!)
This is especially bad when you are visiting someones home. Polls that I have made up clearly show that 90% of people would rather find that a family of plague ridden rats have set up shop in their refrigerator than let an overweight man use their bathroom.
There is much more to talk about. The next post (Fatiquette: Part Due) will address more on Digestion as well as the enigma that pants present to round shaped people.