Fatiquette: Part Due

And now for the second installment of fatguy etiquette.
Digestion
Barking spiders, the old sneaky toad, the squeaky shoe, the vinyl chair, beef, toots, SBD, or farts, whatever you call them they are generally socially frowned upon. It does not matter if you are at a black tie event or if you are watching the fight in a crowded room with the guys, people notice flatulence and guess who the first suspect always is? The fatguy. Skinny people let one loose, and theirs are no less potent, but the world expects it from the fatguy first. The accusations will come either way so let's make them false. How?
WATCH WHAT YOU EAT. Can I make that more clear? If a certain food item like beans (allegedly good for your heart) makes you gassy avoid them. If you must partake of a food that causes you to be noxious, be prepared. I recommend GasX, Beano or a willingness to go outside frequently to handle some 'important phone calls'.
Finally: claim what is yours. If you do commit a foul and someone calls you on it, be it through stink eye (pun intended) or public outcry swallow your pride and claim it. Developing this gastrointestinal honesty amongst peers will force them to believe you when you deny it. Don't worry, you will not have to deal with this once you are skinny.
Pants
I like big butts (and I cannot lie) you other fatguys can't deny, when your wearing pants with a big fat waist, they fall all over the place, and you feel dumb. Newtons 10th law of physics dictate that E=Fg+(P-s)*G or embarrassment equals a fatguy plus pants without suspenders times gravity.
Here's an illustrative experiment. Supplies : One fully inflated basketball, one extra large rubber band. Method: Stretch rubber band around the basketball at a point that you could consider 2/5's the way "up" the ball. Observe results. What will happen is that the rubber band will slide off of the rounded bottom of the ball.
When a man gains weight they lose many things. Self esteem, endurance, strength, and a definable butt. The deflated tire that sits around the midsection removes any definition from where the back begins and the butt ends. This makes pants almost impossible to keep up without suspenders or a Burmese python for a belt. Solution: Lose weight, and focus on your legs. When guys work out we focus on our arms, everyone wants to sell tickets to their gun show. Focus more on your legs, core and butt. When you burn off your fat and define your body's shape again you can then focus on the cannons. Gravity is not your friend people, but your body can help if it is in the right shape. I'm trying to get mine there, I'm tired of looking like a fool with my pants on the ground.