The Great Walrus Hunt

Years ago, I had a friend who started calling me Wally. This was confusing to me at first and so I asked for an explanation. He shared with me that Wally was in fact the first part of a two part nickname that I had unknowingly earned. The second part? The Walrus. Yes, I was and am still to an extent Wally the Walrus. This was because I was fat and "Wallered around on the couch like a Walrus on the beach."

I think that throughout our lives we can relate our physicality to various animals. In the past I have been a lithe, agile and strong jungle cat. Nowadays, I am more of the Walrus/Manatee/Elephant Seal variety. When I lay on the couch and yell at the TV, there is not too much of a difference between me and a belligerent pinniped (Walrus or Seal). As a matter of fact if you covered me in fur and removed my ability to pronounce hard consonants it would be the same.

Case in point: I have played Turkey Bowl football on thanksgiving day for years. The past three thanksgivings have been in Indiana, and for roughly the past 5 thanksgivings I have been a Walrus. Now when a bull walrus is threatened and it is away from the water or guarding the other Walri (pronounced Wall-rye, plural form of walrus- also, a made up word) it charges the offender with the intent to crush him/her/them/it with his roughly 4,000lbs and then if possible gore the grease stain that was the offender repeatedly. This (or a close approximation of this) has happened every year I've played in the Turkey Bowl for the last four years. Inevitably I am chasing some poor (and much smaller) person as fast as Wally will let me. It usually ends with me trying my darnedest to get my mass to stop while Newton's Laws mock me. The aforementioned smaller person turns and sees certain doom speedily headed towards him. After an emergency evacuation of the large intestine there is a tremendous collision and I'm left cleaning up the parts of my victim in a 15-20 foot radius. The moral to this story? Being Wally has left me with less control of my body. But that's not all.

Wally has had too much of a say as to what goes on in the life of Travis. This morning while getting dressed for work I was watching a P90X infomercial. The following conversation took place in my head:

Travis: 'I need to get back to that whole P90X thing, that would really help me cut this weight off.'

Wally: (In the voice of Bullwinkle the moose) 'Uh, that looks like a lot of work. We should probably go eat some McDonalds for breakfast instead.'

Travis: 'No Wally! I had yogurt for breakfast this morning and Nikki said no fast food. Do you not remember me Scouting it yesterday?'

Wally: ' That was a decision I was against the whole time. Eat a McGriddle, then take a nap. It will feel a lot better.'



Wally is an opponent to the whole concept behind weight loss. At first he's just a little whiner, but as I continue to cut portion size and calorie intake Wally becomes a raging beast. He gets to be pretty difficult to deal with. Wally turns me into a highly irritable person for a few weeks while my stomach shrinks back to a more normal size. Luckily for me my wife is very understanding and knows how and when to keep Wally in check.
Walri have few natural predators: Polar bear, and killer whales. Wally has no predators. Until now. I've given Wally notice, and while I know he will not go without a fight I'm going to harpoon him and turn him into a nice comfy pair of mukluks. Goodbye Wally the Walrus, hello Travis the Tiger.