Humiliation at Holiday World

I don't know how much I weigh (the scale and I are not on speaking terms). But for those of you who haven't seen me in a while we will use, among others, the word 'hefty' to describe my current state. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/hefty for those who want the full picture. The synonyms are heavy, weighty, massive and (my favorite) ponderous. The antonyms? Light and weightless.

This prologue is necessary to set the stage for what I am about to relate. My trip with my wife to one of the best water parks in the world: Splashin' Safari at Holiday World in Santa Clause Indiana. I crap you not, those are all real places. This water park is in the top 5 water parks in the world every year. They have two water coasters (yes you read that correctly, coasters and slides are different and yes they are AWESOME) and a variety of other water based attractions that thrill and delight. And for those that are massive and/or ponderous a special delicacy awaits: shame and humiliation.

The Lazy River

There is nothing lazy about this river! My wife took her tube, and gracefully hopped in posterior first and enjoyed a trip down this canal basking in the sunshine. I thought to myself 'looks easy enough' and gave it a go. Half of my butt hit the hole in the tube where it was supposed to go, the other half, in rebellion, refused to fit in. My position was precarious, I felt like an Orca trying to balance on an inflatable teacup, but I tried to maneuver in a way as to get into that reclined and relaxed lazy river type attitude so as to enjoy the beginning of this beautiful day. This was not to be. Instead I was thrown off the tube backwards landing on my ear and shoulder in the 2 1/2 foot deep shallows. This process was repeated no less than a dozen times. At first my wife laughed. A lot. By the time I was done she was begging me to throw in the towel and just lay across the tube on my stomach. When I tried that I was once again, thrown into the water for good measure. Crushed and defeated by the lazy river we moved on to a slide.

I am no physicist, but I couldn't help but recall Newtons Laws while climbing the Tower of Babel that had the slide at the top of it. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. With as much force as I was using to get up to the top, the prospect of that much force being applied to getting to the bottom was a little intimidating. The tubes for this ride are four person ordeals shaped like a four leaf clover. I rode with my wife facing me and some random skinny kid sitting to my right. Once in position it was the task of an inordinately small, female 'Slide Attendant' to move us to the mouth of the tube and give us the old heave ho down the slide. By virtue of the improper distribution of weight on the tube it spun around until  I was going down the slide back first. We gained speed and kept gaining speed. The skinny kid made a comment on how unusually fast we were going. Now I don't know about you, but being overweight and uncoordinated has caused my mind to evolve in a way where every scenario is played out mentally before it happens, to help me be aware of dangers that are coming. The scenario in this instant was that of me falling backwards off the tube, being run over by the tube carrying my wife and the skinny kid and then my lifeless and broken body being ejected into the final part of the tube, which was incidentally shaped like a toilet bowl, where I would tumble around in the water until finally coming to rest in the exit pool below. For a better visual on the slide check it out at: http://www.holidayworld.com/rides/bakuli . This did not happen, fortunately. I survived and enjoyed the ride, although we did go around the bowl about two more times than the average group of riders due to our speed and momentum.

The next ride did not go as well. It was a fairly nondescript slide, a straight shot with two dips. It was the Ron of the Otorongo attraction. I followed my wife to the top carrying a conventional two person tube shaped like an 8. Once at the top my wife looks at me and says 'Are you going to be riding the tube in front, or in back?' I reply 'In back.' She chuckles..... nervously. We put the tube in position at the top of the slide and begin to get in, my wife in the front first. After she gets in I make my attempt and start to swamp the rear end of the tube. The tube rebounded after a second and then we were ready to go. Once again an inordinately small 'Slide Attendant' grabs the handle on the tube and tries to move us into the mouth of the slide. Instead she nearly yanks her arms out of her sockets trying to get us going. Sheepishly I say 'Sorry, I'm fat.' She looks at me and says 'Yeah....' So I put my arms down and using my hands help move us forward, but with all of this happening at the same time we get to the slide at an awkward angle and our tube goes up the side of the slide a bit and gets stuck. Now our slide attendant is behind me, kicking the back of the tube trying to get us to go down. She alternates between doing this and splashing water on the side of the tube, much like one would do when trying to get a beached whale out to see. Eventually we break loose and get going down the slide. Fast. At this point it dawns on me why Nikki was laughing nervously after I said I would sit on the back. We were moving towards some relatively still water while traveling at a high rate of speed, which means that I would probably not be able to maintain position on my inflatable teacup. I would then either accidentally kick my wife or she would be wearing my butt like a hat. Neither option ended well for either of us. Realizing this and seeing the literal light at the end of the tunnel, I knew there was only one thing to do: I ejected off of the back of the tube, rolling backwards and closing my eyes while praying for good fortune. As I hit the slide my skin and the slide made a sound reminiscent of the squeal of aircraft tires when landing. I then rolled and flailed down the tube like a 300 lb. rag doll until I splashed into the exit pool. While underwater I did a quick systems check. I was alive, all fingers and toes were moving, I made sure my shorts were pulled up and my swim shirt was pulled down. With all that done I stood up to survey the wreckage. Nikki was looking bewildered and then laughed hysterically when I stood up. Her sandal was clear across the pool and her sunglasses that she was wearing were gone. We never found them, or evidence that they even existed. I personally believe that there was a wormhole at the end of the slide that opened just long enough for her sunglasses to go through. As it turns out, my unceremonious exit from the tube ejected my wife off of the front of it. The tube ran over her on its way out of the slide, thus her bewildered state. With shame in tow I carried our tube to the designated spot and we found less eventful means of entertainment at Holiday World.

This is a long story, but it has a purpose. When we fall off the wagon, we need motivation to get back on. This, among other things, is mine. Starting Monday, a new era of weight loss begins, and with it, more posts on the Life of a Fat Man.